“The future is born of those thoughts and feelings
we are allowing into our experience
~ Robyn Lee
Could not help but notice this storefront down the block from the center where I had my spine procedure Thursday. I took pause for a moment, wondering if anyone truly had the ability to see into the future, and would it even serve me to have such information? Quickly I took a photo and moved on. While prepped and waiting, I thought more about the concept of future, and conjured up the quotation (above). A certain calm came over me at this point.
Sending everyone gratitude and appreciation for all the wonderful wishes, and wise comments shared on my blog post Wednesday. They really gave me a much-needed lift. I so appreciate the exceptional sense community we share here!
As an update, I did well with the procedure (barring a few moans and screams) and will know how effective it was over the next several days. If it works, my family will need to hide my roller blades :).
In the meantime…still moving in the direction of hope and faith, and paying attention to those thoughts and feelings I’m inviting into my experience right now!
Much Love ~ RL
“Doubt is not the opposite of faith; it is one element of faith.”
~ Paul Tillich
Heading back to New York City for a few days to have the mri and spinal procedure that was scheduled two weeks ago (see: Release « THROUGH THE HEALING LENS).
Anticipation and anxiety have been tormenting my soul these last few weeks. I think two weeks was too long to expect me to keep “releasing” the questions that linger and haunt. I haven’t had my spine mucked with in a few years… and over the past 19, have been poked, prodded, carved and dissected, without resolve more times than I care to remember. Why are we back to the spine again when so many experts assured me just 16 months ago the issue was my hip that needed carving? And why did that hip surgery result in worse pain and dysfunction? Seems like lots of guess-work taking place, and this all makes my head churn.
So… here I am, trying to find my optimism, but I confess…facing some pretty gloomy shadows of doubt. I am working to let go of the questions and have faith, but am having a tough time given the pain levels I’ve been living.
Nevertheless, there are some very important life-occasions coming up around here (namely my daughter’s college graduation in Boston entailing travel and exciting ceremonies, celebrations~so proud of that kid!! I really want to be there for her, and be a part of it all (for me), and thus, agreed to the upcoming medical experiments to try to get the pain levels reduced enough to allow me to join in on the good stuff ahead. Unfortunately, I have no rescue medication to turn to, as my body completely rejects narcotic pain drugs which produce severe spasm of my bile ducts (more painful than a long drawn out heart attack). Even more the reason I’m really needing this spine procedure to buy me some pain relief.
And so, I’m attempting to confront the doubts and fears, and conjure up some serious faith for my journey. Was happy to stumble on Tillich’s quote above, as it made me aware that doubt and faith may indeed be interconnected.
Hoping that this procedure will lead to a revelation of sorts, and at least get me into a mode of higher functioning so I can participate in the festivities, and perhaps even gain insight as to what structures are causing the worst of my pain. If it works well, I’m hoping I can be more aggressive with my rehab program and, of course, take on more adventurous blog photo shoots!
Thanks for everyone’s good energy blown my way on this one. I can feel it, and truly do appreciate.
Farewell for now…. sorry will be at least a few days before I can post again… but in the meantime
wishing all of you good things while I’m away!
Much Love ~ Robyn Lee
“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming – dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.”
~ Edgar Allan Poe
“I suppose that’s the secret, if you’re ever wishing for things to go back to the way they were. You just have to look up.”
~ Lauren Oliver