Doubt (Pain shadow V)
“Doubt is not the opposite of faith; it is one element of faith.”
~ Paul Tillich
Heading back to New York City for a few days to have the mri and spinal procedure that was scheduled two weeks ago (see: Release « THROUGH THE HEALING LENS).
Anticipation and anxiety have been tormenting my soul these last few weeks. I think two weeks was too long a to expect me to keep “releasing” the questions that linger and haunt. I haven’t had my spine mucked with in a few years… and over the past 19, have been poked, prodded, carved and dissected, without resolve more times than I care to remember. Why are we back to the spine again when so many experts assured me just 16 months ago the issue was my hip that needed carving? And why did that hip surgery result in worse pain and dysfunction? Seems like lots of guess-work taking place, and this all makes my head churn.
So… here I am, trying to find my optimism, but I confess…facing some pretty gloomy shadows of doubt. I am working to let go of the questions and have faith, but am having a tough time given the pain levels I’ve been living.
Nevertheless, there are some very important life-occasions coming up around here (namely my daughter’s college graduation in Boston entailing travel and exciting ceremonies, celebrations~so proud of that kid!! I really want to be there for her, and be a part of it all (for me), and thus, agreed to the upcoming medical experiments to try to get the pain levels reduced enough to allow me to join in on the good stuff ahead. Unfortunately, I have no rescue medication to turn to, as my body completely rejects narcotic pain drugs which produce severe spasm of my bile ducts (more painful than a long drawn out heart attack). Even more the reason I’m really needing this spine procedure to buy me some pain relief.
And so, I’m attempting to confront the doubts and fears, and conjure up some serious faith for my journey. Was happy to stumble on Tillich’s quote above, as it made me aware that doubt and faith may indeed be interconnected.
Hoping that this procedure will lead to a revelation of sorts, and at least get me into a mode of higher functioning so I can participate in the festivities, and perhaps even gain insight as to what structures are causing the worst of my pain. If it works well, I’m hoping I can be more aggressive with my rehab program and, of course, take on more adventurous blog photo shoots!
Thanks for everyone’s good energy blown my way on this one. I can feel them, and truly do appreciate.
Farewell for now…. sorry will be at least a few days before I can post again… but in the meantime
wishing all of you good things while I’m away!
Much Love ~ Robyn Lee
Wow.. first great shadow picture.. and 2nd hope you are better. Pain is terrible.. chronic pain is worse.. goodluck with that.
August 16, 2012 at 8:17 PM
Thanks rfljensky… yes – many shadows — the chronic pain is a challenge — working on it — hip and spine issues not a good combo! Thank you – i appreciate your good wishes there ~ be well!!
August 16, 2012 at 9:21 PM
I’m speaking from the chronic hips here.. so the wishes are from the heart. Yoga, acupuncture and massage only things that have worked for me. Good luck
August 16, 2012 at 10:05 PM
Yes – have done all — trying some new therapy now – but may need more surgeries.. yuck and hoping another way… thank you so much!
August 16, 2012 at 10:12 PM
Well, I hope not.. for myself either.. so far managed.. but the older I get..
August 16, 2012 at 10:16 PM
Just keep up with healthy living and good care of yourself. Prayers your way on this!!
August 16, 2012 at 10:31 PM
August 17, 2012 at 6:08 AM
thinking of you. tony
August 9, 2013 at 2:19 PM
Thank you dear Tony… I am heading back to NY soon. Have been in Vermont consulting with a medical professional. I will surely visit you soon to catch up … and hope you are well, and joyfully immersed in your wonderful music! 🎶 Robyn x
August 11, 2013 at 8:53 AM